Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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