I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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