You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
