On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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