Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
