i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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