Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
