shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
