just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
