she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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