I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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