Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
