hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
