Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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