Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
