We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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