I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
