i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
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Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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