Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
