I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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