I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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