I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
