he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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