your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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