Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
