I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
