Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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