im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
