My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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