he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
FUCK WHALES
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
