Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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