Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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