I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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