OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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