I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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