i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
