His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
