Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
