Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
