Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
