there's paper in my vomit.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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