Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
soo... how was my night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
