dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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