Cold hands, warm shart.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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