is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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