Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
