You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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