from now on my penis is your penis
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize