and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
