Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
