my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
