how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
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Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
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I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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