I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
