Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
