Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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